By: The Vantage Staff
Ladies and gentlemen, the story you have been anticipating all year is finally here. Per tradition, Newman Baseball has grown out the facial hair in true Burt Reynolds fashion. Last year, we featured our own Sports Editor, Tyler Push in his mustache march campaign. This year, though, we at The Vantage are all in. We ranked all of the best mustaches on the baseball team and narrowed it down to our top six. Here’s the results:
#1 Redshirt Freshman Asher Finke
I mean who else would you guys have thought would take the cake? The man can grow a lumberjack beard in a week. Finke takes this one in a unanimous 1st place vote. You could slap Finke’s ‘stache onto any beer in the nation and it would be a best seller by next week. The volume is immaculate. Thick and voluptuous.
#2 Redshirt Freshman Brandon Dodd
Dodd sneaks into the number two slot on our rankings, barely edging out Hunter Williams. It is important to note, he may have received the high ranking solely on the fact that his mustache makes people think of Matthew McConaughey in “Dazed and Confused.” Dodd comes in with a ‘stache flatter than the topography of Kansas. Nevertheless, his ‘stache brings a level of swag that any bald upper lippers would envy.
#3 Assistant Coach Hunter Williams
Williams narrowly falls to the three spot in our rankings, but that’s not taking anything away from that caterpillar on his lip. Williams has the ‘stache that can only be accompanied by a fat lip full of chewing tobacco. I think the only thing that kept the graduate assistant from coming out on top is the fact that the world is exposed to this facial hair all year. Still, top notch volume from the man - and I mean man, isn’t this guy 30?
#4 Redshirt Freshman Trevor Pacheco
Pacheco’s ‘stache comes in as a dark horse to win it all, and we mean that literally. The darkness in this stache far exceeds anyone else’s on the list. Very solid work from the first baseman.
#5 Assistant Coach Devin Beard
Beard cracks a top ranking with the only wild card of the bunch - the “Fu Manchu.” This former Jet shortstop is attempting facial hair that we have only seen successful back in the days of Hulkamania. While it has good shape, it lacks connection from the primary stache to the handlebars on the sides. Any experienced mustache judge knows this is a solid 6.5 out of 10.
#6 Redshirt Freshman Garrett Vandeventer
The lefty specialist has great volume in his first Mustache March campaign. Great volume. Just an all around visible stache. A firm handlebar to say the least.
Well, there you have it. Our not-so-humble opinions on the facial hair of everyone’s favorite catholic school baseball team. If any players are upset about not cracking the top six, please, and I can’t stress this enough, just grow a better mustache. We will see you next March.
PHOTO: Tyler Push, Sports Editor
